The Art Of
Self-Compassion
28 DAYS TO TRANSFORM YOUR INNER VOICE
Day Two:
Listen to Day two as audio:
You’re back! You made it to day two. Go you good thing!
Today I’m going to talk about self-compassion and what it looks like. I was never taught self-compassion at home or at school. I wasn’t taught self-compassion in my peer groups or friendship groups. Not one person in my family showed me what self-compassion looked like, in fact, it was the exact opposite. I was shown what self-sabotage looked like, what addiction looked like, what domestic violence looked like, and what unhealthy boundaries looked like… the closest I ever really got to seeing self-compassion at home was seeing my mum put face cream on. I must have been so little but there was something about that, the smell of that Oil of Ulan face cream, and the fact that she was doing something just for her, that stood out.
I learnt about self-compassion in recovery. Most of my self-compassion has been learnt in groups for either alcohol addiction, post-natal depression recovery or anxiety support groups or therapy. As a young adult even the idea of being kind to myself was foreign. If I messed up, I beat myself up for it. If bad things happened that weren’t even my fault I beat myself up for that too. Then I drank to deal with the guilt and shame and then I’d do something stupid (naturally, being drunk and all). Then the cycle would simply continue and I didn’t know how to break it. I didn’t feel like I could be the person I wanted to be, that I would always be less than that and thus unworthy of kindness or compassion. Little did I know, that self-compassion would be key in helping me to create the change I wanted to see in myself.
In his book 10 Secrets to Success and Inner Peace, Dr Wayne Dyer talked about ‘Treating yourself as if’. His view was that if you treat yourself as if you already were the person you really wanted to become, then by doing that you would give yourself the things you needed in order to be that person. That’s a giant paraphrase but it’s the crux of the message.
Imagine for a second that you had all the qualities that you wish you had. Imagine you were confident, brilliant, talented, whatever it is, whoever it is that you really want to be. What would that person need to thrive? Would they thrive if they had someone with them 24/7 who was tearing them down? Nope. They’d struggle because anyone would struggle. Which is why we struggle if we are tearing ourselves down 24/7. There’s a good chance that that person would really need kindness and compassion. They’d need support and love. They’d need the same things we all need in order to thrive.
Self-compassion requires us to treat ourselves with the same kindness, care and understanding that we would offer to a close friend or a loved one. This includes being able to recognise and accept our own imperfections and limitations instead of constantly judging or criticising.
Here are some ways that self-compassion can manifest in our daily life:
Mindfulness: Being aware of and acknowledging one's emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations without judgment or criticism. This involves staying present in the moment, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Huge, huh? This in and of itself is a huge learning curve so don’t stress out about the magnitude of what self-compassion entails - wait, there’s more.
Kindness: Treating oneself with warmth, understanding, and gentleness. This can involve using kind and supportive self-talk, practising self-care activities, and engaging in activities that bring joy and pleasure. Remember fun? I know for me the louder that inner critic is shouting at me, the more work I end up doing and the less fun even gets a look in.
Recognition of your humanity: Recognizing that struggles, mistakes, and failures are a normal part of the human experience, rather than seeing them as personal shortcomings. This involves acknowledging that everyone experiences difficulties and challenges in life. Like, everyone. Not just you. Not just some people. Everyone.
Self-acceptance: Embracing oneself as a whole person, including one's strengths and weaknesses. This involves recognizing that one's worth and value as a person are not dependent on external achievements or validation from others. Can you imagine what it would be like to actually embrace all of yourself? I couldn’t. Back then I was so busy trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. I was pushing down all the bits of myself that I thought were unworthy. I didn’t think for one second that all of me could be worthy of love - even the bits I don’t necessarily appreciate.
Forgiveness: Letting go of self-blame, self-criticism, and self-judgment. This involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, and that it is possible to learn and grow from them. I don’t know about you, but I am much quicker at forgiving someone else than I am myself. Someone else makes a mistake? They’re only human. I make a mistake? What a failure! It’s taken a very long time to be able to make a mistake and not hate on myself for it.
Self-compassionate motivation: Motivating oneself through kindness, encouragement, and support, rather than through self-criticism or punishment. This involves setting realistic and achievable goals, and acknowledging one's progress and accomplishments along the way. I struggle with this. I still like to put too much on my plate and then beat myself up for not being able to do everything all at once apparently (hey, I didn’t say I get this right all the time, I’m human too).
There are more. Throughout the rest of this course, I’m going to take you through a fuller picture of what self-compassion and self-love really look like, but don’t worry, I’m not just going to show you and go ‘yep, intense hey, good luck with it’, I’m also going to break it down, into smaller bite-sized pieces (one-a-day-for-28-days sized pieces), and show you how to put it into practice.
For now, I want you to consider what self-compassion could do for you. Can you imagine the kind of person you could become if you had an ally? Someone in your corner, who believed in you, who nurtured you, who was kind to you and accepted you for who you are (weaknesses and all)? Could you imagine how it would feel if that was the kind of relationship you had with yourself? What areas of your life it would impact? You could probably go straight back to the sheet you did yesterday and see all the areas you’ve been negatively impacted and just reverse it, but instead I’m going to get you to do something a little different. I want you to imagine the kind of person that you would be if you had the confidence, nurturing and support to be at your best and I want you to describe that person. Use the action sheet for extra prompts. Do it, this exercise helps a LOT! In the same way that writing out what letting your negative inner critic run the show has cost you, this will help you understand what you will gain by implementing these strategies, tools and resources into your life and let me tell you - this is just the beginning. Good things are in store for you.
See you tomorrow!
Much love
Michelle.
Your Day 1 Action Sheet
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