The Blog
Michelle Cashman Blog
Trauma plants its roots deep within our psyche, growing like an unchecked weed that shadows every corner of our emotional garden. It's not the kind of plant you nurtured or wished for—it's an invader, sprung from seeds sown by circumstances beyond your control. Childhood trauma, that unwelcome visitor, can loom over you, casting a long shadow across many facets of adult life. But what if you could confront this formidable presence in your garden?
It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of running on empty. Life gets busy? The first thing to slide is anything remotely fun, relaxing or joyful. Family tragedy? I’m in fix-it mode - far too busy for trivial things like meditation or surfing. Feeling lost? Hopeless? Like the world’s biggest loser? How dare I do anything for myself? That voice in my head tells me I need to get busy hustling for my worth, proving myself to everyone on the planet that I’m a worthwhile human being. That means over-working, overthinking and over-achieving, running myself into the ground until everything comes crashing down.
Recovery isn’t linear. It doesn’t start at hopeless and end at ‘healed’. It’s two steps forwards and one step back. It’s a long walk, one foot in front of the other, and then it’s freefalling into anxiousness and a spiral into doom and gloom. Progress isn’t perfection, it’s awareness and acceptance.
I thought there was something wrong with me for not being like other people. For not being able to think like they did. For feeling over-sensitive and overwhelmed. For having different views and for just being completely freaking different. I thought I was broken and inherently unworthy of love. I was definitely wrong.
Toward the end of 2019, I had begun to have recurring thoughts of driving my car into a tree. To have a thought like that out of the blue? Well, that’s one thing, but to have it every time I got behind the wheel of my car? That’s another thing entirely. I knew based on that thought and that thought alone that things were not ok.
Are you ready to embark on a journey of profound personal growth? It all starts with clarity. Whether we define what we want or clarify what we don't, this essential ingredient sets us on the right path. It provides focus, direction, and a surge of motivation, helping us set goals, make decisions, and align our actions with our desired outcomes. Together, let's explore the power of clarity as we courageously embrace transformative growth. Ready to dive in? Let's go! 🌟❤️
I knew I was an alcoholic by the age of fifteen or sixteen. I knew because I knew what an alcoholic was; someone who couldn’t stop drinking once they started, or someone who drank even when they knew it was bad for them, or someone who blacked out when they drank, or someone who became someone else when they drank, or someone who craved alcohol nearly all the time - all of those things really, and all of those things were me. I knew there were two types of alcoholics, one type that didn’t drink all the time but when they did they went nuts on it (binge drinkers), or the other type that couldn’t go without it (daily drinkers). At times, I’ve been both.
I grew up thinking that in order to be loved, be loveable or worthy of love I had to hustle. For healthy connection I needed to fix everything first. I couldn't rock the boat. That never ended well. I had to measure up, do what made everyone else happy and fix all the problems. Then maybe there’d be peace. Maybe there’d be happiness. It didn’t work - so I’m entirely unsure how that mentality made it into my adult life.
It’s been over a year and a half since my marriage ended. Twenty months if you want to be precise. In that time there’s been bushfires, a pandemic, I’ve moved house twice, changed jobs, started a business, released three radio singles, two film clips, a video series and an acoustic album (and written over fifty songs). I’m still grieving.
I really didn’t know how bad my anxiety was until I found myself driving and looking at trees thinking “just a little turn of the wheel and it could all be over”. I had been running on fumes. Pushing to hard, my senses and my thoughts racing almost all the time. My heart rate was almost always pounding and towards the end, I was just completely burnt out and I had nothing left… my story with anxiety kind of sucks… but this song is a lot less sucks and I’m glad it exists.
What is it that I’m learning lately that I want to share? What is it that I even want to share at all? Right now I’m in a makeshift blanket fort (that I built over the top of my bed), snuggled in with my laptop and my giant red labradoodle while I cry quietly so I don’t wake the dog. Let’s not pretend that I have it all together.
I wrote this song around eight years ago after I had found out a friend was experiencing domestic violence.
I wrote the song based around an amalgamation of some of my own stories. I have a colourful past and some god-awful stories I still don’t know if I am ready to tell. One day I might but writing this song was enough for now. The song is about finding your strength. It’s about moving on from circumstances that aren’t healthy. It doesn’t necessarily mean just violence either… lying, cheating, stealing and abuse itself is all unhealthy, toxic behaviour that does not constitute a healthy relationship. Sometimes the only absolute way to ensure you don’t have a toxic relationship is to not have a toxic relationship.
As my health has increased, so has my desire to get back into the field that brings me the most joy, however, this is not without its challenges. Change of the way the industry works, anxiety and physical limitations are but a few…
Time and time again, I would seek to understand what the meaning of life was. Searching the recesses of my mind asking myself “Who am I? Why do I operate the way that I do? What is my purpose?”. The questions may not always look so deep and meaningful they may have been quite negative, more like “why am I such an idiot?” Or “why me?”. I spend a good portion of my life feeling sorry for myself, blaming my outer circumstances…
I was fourteen or fifteen years old when a doctor recommended that I go to rehab. Back then I had only ever really heard of that for junkies or for old people who lived in parks. I thought that you got locked in a room until you ‘dried out’. I was in my mid teens and that to me was ridiculous. Yes, I had a drinking problem but I didn’t drink every day (even if I did think about it). I was seventeen when I realised that I was an alcoholic but in my mind my drinking was still normal and my life was manageable (no it wasn’t).
I think about openness as almost like a prerequisite of a transformation. Like when you study, some courses just aren't available to you unless you've done a course that's a prerequisite, or you're at a certain level. Openness is kind of like that, in that in order to cultivate transformational personal growth, you really need to be open. If you have a closed mind you might overlook something that is entirely necessary for your next step in transforming your life.
I’ve always been pretty awful at saving and pretty compulsive at spending. Here is how I got in front with my bills and managed to save as a single mum.
I think from memory it started with me getting tired. Tired isn’t as easy to remember as the pain and once the pain started pain and tired went hand in hand. I can push past tired. I can push past some levels of pain and I certainly did that. However eventually, working together persistently and over time, the pain and tiredness rendered me useless…
The more we have to do with people, the more likely it is that someone will say something that hurts our feelings, or offends us or upsets us. So how do we get strong enough to not be so hurt?
Caught up in Cranky-ville? Try this technique to break the cycle and find your way back to a more carefree and joyful existence…
Do you find yourself constantly talking about the things that outrage you? Repeating the same story five times to different people, rehashing the drama that’s gotten under your skin, feeding off the outrage that you have inspired in your friends and family? You may just be feeding the beast - an anger addiction.
Do you feel empowered? Like you’re making choices that are taking you down a road you really want to be on? If not then maybe you aren’t owning your life. The reason this is so important is because if you don’t own it - you can’t change it. So now that’s out of the way let’s talk about a few ways that will help you to own your life.
When I say ‘holistic’ I mean taking into account your whole person. Your whole body. All the systems that are interconnected and affected by each other. It’s important to be able to identify all the ways that you can support your health and healing and some of them come from places that you might not have previously considered…
One of the most frustrating and debilitating aspects of having fibromyalgia (at least for me) was brain fog. Imaging trying to read a book, getting half way through a paragraph (if you’re lucky) and then realising you can’t remember anything you’ve just read. Even worse, imagine talking to someone and half way through the conversation realising that the whole time you had been talking you thought you were talking to someone else. Yes, that happened to me.
Pain is one of the most debilitating symptoms of fibromyalgia and often is a major contributor to the fatigue and sleeplessness that become part of a vicious cycle. More pain, less sleep, less sleep, more pain. The more tired you are the less able to you are mentally tolerate the pain, thus the more focus it gets and the worse you feel. The less you sleep the more tired you are and the more pain you feel and you get where I’m going yeah? It sucks.
One of the predominant symptoms of fibromyalgia is definitely the pain, but someone suffering with fibromyalgia knows it is about way more than just the pain.
Here is a list of some of the symptoms that someone with fibromyalgia may be dealing with on a daily basis:
A simple, easy to make gluten free (and grain free) veggie breakfast.
(Takes 10 minutes tops)
Life has thrown me a few curveballs recently—unexpected guests, ongoing renovations, and a physical injury that’s left me unable to play my instruments. As someone who’s highly sensitive and managing CPTSD and ADHD, these disruptions have been particularly challenging. In this post, I share how these experiences have impacted my routine and well-being, the guilt that comes with not handling things like a ‘normal person,’ and the small victories that are helping me find my way back to stability. Join me as I explore the ups and downs of maintaining sanity in the midst of chaos and the importance of self-compassion along the way.