Recovery Isn't Linear.
Recovery isn’t linear. It doesn’t start at hopeless and end at ‘healed’. It’s two steps forwards and one step back. It’s a long walk, one foot in front of the other, and then it’s freefalling into anxiousness and a spiral into doom and gloom. Progress isn’t perfection, it’s awareness and acceptance. Progress is noticing first, paying attention to the ways that we are unintentionally exacerbating our own drama and bonding to our pain cycles. It’s uncovering the ways that we are subconsciously seeking the things that irritate us, or paying more attention to the things that drive our pain instead of the things that liberate us. In short, progress, I think at least at first feels more like going crazy than going sane.
I am finding that I notice now, and I can see the way I participate in these perpetual cycles and I’m able to step out a bit more, and unplug from drama. My body doesn’t seem to match my brain still. My logic brain says life is good = be happy. But that’s not how it works. Life is good, but my body is saying pay attention. At times, while I can see how I used to participate, stop myself and then engage differently it’s only my body that’s alerting me to the fact that I’ve been hooked. My heart races, my hands sweat, my stomach churns. I hate it but I’m learning that acceptance is the only way through it. In fact, if it wasn’t for my body being so activated, I wouldn’t notice that there was even something to be aware of - it would all be unconscious. So in a way, my body’s reaction is actually a blessing. It’s saying “Hey! Pay attention here! There’s something you need to look at and address”. So I address the thing and I learn and I heal. But it is tiring.
I feel at the moment I am going through something really heavy. Even though for the first time in my life there is zero drama - there’s no relationship roller coaster, there’s no financial crisis, no domestic violence, no alcoholism, no toxic relationships, friendships or otherwise. It would be easy for me to say “Hey! Snap out of it! Everything is good! Stop making shit out of nothing and just function at your best, get on with doing all of the things at once” but the truth is I’m not functioning at my best right now because, I think, (and this is just me surmising here, I’m no expert), I believe this is the first time in my life that there has been space, and enough safety in my environment for my deeper stuff to come up. I can feel it surfacing. There’s a genuine struggle that is happening but it feels more like a rebirth than suffocation. Life is not being snuffed out of me, it’s surfacing and unfortunately (or fortunately depending how you look at it) it’s bringing old wounds with it - not to torture me but so that I can finally air them and heal them.
I feel like I should be more productive but instead, I am letting whatever this is have some time to breathe. It feels a lot like really muddy water that I need to give some time to settle. I’m not rushing down a path at full tilt. I’m waiting for clarity on my next move.
It’s ok to take time. I’m learning that. As much as the desire to produce more, be more, hustle, work, push surfaces time and time again, I am doing my best to sit with it and to learn to be more intentional about what I’m doing. I’ve been meditating at least twice a day, I’m returning to journaling, and I’m being really kind to myself. I’ve been cooking really nourishing food and trying to settle my nervous system.
It feels at times like it’s two steps back but it’s not. It’s waiting. It’s patiently observing myself, witnessing the little girl in me who didn’t get her needs met and who went through things a little girl should never have to go through finally becoming the woman who nurtures herself and ensures she’s only around people who fuel her and make her feel valued. It’s honing my boundaries, it’s saying no, it’s saying I’m disappointed and speaking my truth. It’s saying yes to life and investing deeply into future Michelle.
I’m so proud of myself for this. So even when it feels like a struggle and like I’m not producing enough I recognise this is enormous growth. I’m celebrating wins, even when they don’t feel like constantly moving forward wins, they’re wins, and the more I celebrate the wins, the more wins seem to come.
xo MC
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