Getting to know me.

I’ve always felt different.  Terminal uniqueness it’s been referred to. The idea that I don’t belong, that I don’t fit, that I’m missing something integral to being a regular human being has permeated my existence for as far back as I can remember.  I’m in my early forties and it’s only now that I’m becoming comfortable in my own skin, feeling like a worthy member of the world I live in, not just in spite of my uniqueness but sometimes even because of it. 

Growing up we are taught to fit in. Try and blend in with the other kids.  The instincts are strong there and science tells us that it’s actually part of our survival instinct, which makes sense, as back in the day if you didn’t fit in with the tribe you’d be left behind, or killed off. Nowadays it’s not quite so severe, but you can’t tell that to a kid in primary school who has no friends and who is picked on for being different.  And even now, the world can really be unsafe when you’re a teenager surrounded by other teenagers who think you’re a freak. 

For me, I know a lot of it had to do with my home life being so tumultuous.  Witnessing things like domestic violence lead to a withdrawal of sorts. I couldn’t just blurt it out in passing conversation, I knew it wasn’t right and to some degree, I knew it wasn’t my fault but there was a certain level of shame attached to it. My family of origin was a mess and I didn’t want anyone to know about it.  So I felt like people only ever got to see part of me I guess.  

There were other things too.  My brain worked differently.  I saw things differently. I’d notice things that others wouldn’t (both a blessing and a curse of a highly overactive nervous system). I could see people’s emotions and reactions - micro-movements in their expressions that others would miss.  This is a skill that I later learnt was an in-built survival mechanism and happens to a lot of people who’ve grown up in unsafe environments.  Childhood trauma breeds highly-sensitive people; we are attuned to our environment so we know when to run.  The problem was I could never switch off.  That’s where the whole drinking thing came in for me.  I drank to take the edge off. I drank to lubricate my crippling social anxiety. I drank so that I wasn’t so traumatised by people drinking around me.  I drank to fit in.  Drinking was not for me. On every level.

I thought there was something wrong with me for not being like other people.  For not being able to think like they did. For feeling over-sensitive and overwhelmed.  For having different views and for just being completely freaking different.  I thought I was broken and inherently unworthy of love. I was definitely wrong.

"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein

This saying is so unbelievably true and important.  If I’m walking through my life judging myself because I can’t do the things that an extrovert can do easily and beating myself up over it I’m never going to fully lean into the skills and blessings that belong to the introvert.  While I’m so caught up in not being able to drink alcohol like a ‘regular’ person I’m not going to lean into the blessings of recovery and sobriety.  

The trick I believe, to really coming into your own and designing a life that works for you instead of pushing shit uphill your whole life is simple: get to know you.  I don’t mean on a superficial level (though sure, your favourite colour is kind of handy to know) but I mean on a soul-deep, thorough, level.  A journey of discovery, into what makes you tick, what your real values are (versus what you think people think you should value), what your social preferences are, your deeper meanings and why you do the things you do.  If you can understand yourself AND accept yourself wholeheartedly, then designing your life around who you really are is a whole lot easier.  It’s much better than being a fish at the bottom of a tree hating yourself for not being able to climb, that’s for sure.

Often we live our life on autopilot.  We make choices because we believe that that’s what we ‘should’ do.  We choose our career path, our partners, our whole entire life trajectory based on what we think will impress the tribe.  Then one day we wake up and realise we hate our life. Well, at least that’s what I did and I know damn well many people have done the same thing because it’s literally what society tells us we should do, and what the education system also imposes on us.  I don’t know about you but self-discovery wasn’t something that was promoted in my classroom.

Knowing yourself well means you can make choices based on what is really important to you.  It means that you can put yourself in situations where you will flourish.  It means you can choose relationships that are going to bring out the best in you, and ensure you get your needs met (which, by the way, are all entirely unique from person to person).  

I’m so glad I got to know me.  I’m still discovering new things about myself all the time.  But it’s been an integral part of being able to build the life I have now. One where I love my work, where I’m not constantly burning out, and one where I’m surrounded by people who are good for me.  One where I have and make the time to find the beauty in the world around me.  It meant that I was able to discover that I was indeed a fish and enabled me to find my way to the ocean and do what I was meant to do.

XO MC