Trauma & The Beanstalk
Imagine for a moment, that your life is a garden. Then imagine, that the effects of trauma and its subsequent mental illness are like a big-ass beanstalk. It’s so huge that not only is it sucking the soil dry, consuming the nutrients and your life force, but its shadow is leaving the rest of your life in darkness.
Now imagine you go out the back there to your beanstalk and you take a swing at it with your tomahawk and nothing happens. Your teeny tiny tomahawk is not quite sufficient for the job. It’s really easy to get disheartened. It’s almost natural to look at that thing and think “My God, this is so big, so nasty, so wild that I’m never, ever going to be able to get rid of it… ever”.
Here one has a few choices and the most common I can personally think of are three:
You promptly announce that “I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t deliberately plant this son-of-a-bitch beanstalk, it’s not my fault”. Which, to be fair, like most trauma and mental health issues it’s not your fault. It’s probably the fault of that old codger that gave you three beans and took your family cow. However, you are now the not-so-proud owner of said beanstalk and you are the only one who can really do something about it.
You can drown it out. I see so many people do this, and I feel you, I’ve done it. I did it for years. Whether it’s consumerism, buying more shit you don’t need online and digging a bigger debt hole, whether it’s smoking, bad relationships, pharmaceuticals or like in my particular case, copious amounts of alcohol, trying to ignore that beanstalk or drown it out is just like pouring liquid fertilizer all over it. In fact, in would appear that the more you ignore it the stronger it gets. Or…
You can deal with it properly and get rid of the damn thing (easier said than done, believe me I know but let’s go with it being a possibility for now).
The problem with number three, whilst being the stand-out obvious choice, is that when you do go out there with your tiny tomahawk and you have a crack at it all it does is make you feel weak and stupid because you know that you don’t have the strength to take it down and you don’t know what else you can do with it. This is the point where so many people give up. They give up because they don’t currently possess the resilience, akin to the tree-chopping muscles of a lumberjack. We’re not born with them and if you’re not from a family of lumberjacks and no-one’s ever taught you how to decimate beanstalks then you’re just not cut out for it naturally. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it or that it can’t be done. This is where you need to build resilience. This is where things like mediation, yoga, mindfulness, journaling and creativity come in. Art, music, creative writing. Anything that brings you joy; sports, games, being in the ocean, doing fun healthy activities will build strength and capacity and will be the equivalent of strength conditioning for lumberjack muscles. Feeding your brain nutrient-dense brain foods and living a healthy lifestyle will do the same. While they don’t seem directly related to chopping down the beanstalk or dealing with your troubles, when you make space for these things they fill your tank. You will be stronger and you will have more resilience when it comes to getting back out there and having another go at it.
However, the other problem is is that that wee little tomahawk is not enough. It might have been perfect for a normal garden, but trauma and mental illness mean you do not have a normal garden, you have a garden with a giant beanstalk in it. So you need to get better tools. That’s where therapy comes in. You might see a psychologist or a counsellor, you might see a psychiatrist or a trauma therapist. You might attend AA meetings or Smart Recovery if your particular beanstalk prefers alcohol. You might book yourself in for group therapy, or even for a stay in a rehab or a mental health clinic. These are the things that are equivalent to trading your tomahawk for a real tree-chopping, beanstalk-decimating axe.
Then with your lumberjack muscles and your freshly sharpened axe, you can have another go at it. It might not happen with the first blow, or the second or even the third, but eventually that oversized noxious weed is going to come tumbling down and when it does you can use that sucker for mulch. Then just like everyone else on the planet, if you want a good garden, all you gotta do is weed and feed.
When you’re feeling like nothing is ever gonna change, when you feel like all hope is gone, remember that it’s not that the sun will never shine again, it’s because that beanstalk is obscuring your sunshine. Remember that even if, right now as of this moment you don’t possess the strength needed to cope with this situation, you can develop resilience. Doing something kind for yourself will actually help you to begin to feel more capable. Not every problem needs to be solved today and sometimes just doing something completely unrelated will allow you some perspective. Remember that if you don’t have the know-how you can be educated.
So if you’re ever plagued with this impossible problem that’s completely invaded your entire existence never give up. It may make you feel weak and powerless but that’s just a feeling and the truth is that you don’t have to do this alone. Touch base with someone you trust. You can always pick up that phone You will not be the first or last person to feel completely overwhelmed by what life has thrown at you especially if it’s thrown you curve balls while you’re in possession of a beanstalk. Call your local mental health team, or life-line, your local GP, a 12-step program or local mental health service. You never know. One of those suckers might just have a chainsaw.
xo Michelle.
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